Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman has taken up residence in San Francisco and announced his candidacy for City Council. The drug kingpin promised to reach out to voters left behind by the city’s politically correct establishment. In a symbolic move, he dispensed with the biker-clad security detail customarily provided for aspiring politicians. He also declined the services of Sister Lolita, the city’s official translator, a gender activist famous for appearing at official functions in full nun regalia, smacking down errors by the press with an outsized ruler.
However, not all of the city’s power brokers favor the candidacy. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi has vowed to deploy her formidable political machine to oppose Mr. Guzman. “We have vetted El Chapito carefully, and by the standards of our beautiful city, he is a social conservative. We cannot tolerate such a narrow-minded, hateful figure in our city!”