Republican Idiocy and the Planet of the Apes
By The Wizard of Odd
Note to readers: I apologize in advance for treating you like an imbecile. I normally have great respect for my readers. But too many smart people have been saying stupid things since Mitt Romney lost. So here goes.
* * *
Imagine you’re an alien. You just graduated from Intergalactic University, and as part of a post-graduate fellowship, you were sent to Earth to study primitive civilizations. To narrow the focus of your graduate thesis (which still remains the best way to have your thesis published), you’ve decided to study a quinquennial of Earthen politics amongst the planet’s most advanced ape-descended primitives.
What did you find?
Galaxy ellipse cycle 5.412, Planet 2484-142801, the United States of America, (Earth year 2008 – 2012.)
In 2008, loud, permissive, boisterous, pink apes called Clintons were priming themselves to take over the nation-state America. The Clinton constituents are called Democrats. These are excitable, swarming, utterly credulous, lesser apes who seek to elevate one of their own to a position of broad, but limited powers to protect the nation-state, seize wealth from the most productive apes and redistribute that wealth to aged, derelict and deficient apes. This position is known as the Presidency, the nation-state’s highest office, elected once every 1461 Earthen days.
During 2008, the Clinton apes’ hegemony was challenged by several Democrat apes, most seriously by a Biden ape from state Delaware and an Obama ape from state Illinois. Though the Clinton apes and challenger apes made nearly identical promises to the Democrat swarm, the swarm’s favor began to shift away from the Clintons. Within six lunar cycles, the Democrats had all but abandoned the Clinton apes. The Obama and Biden apes joined forces, defeated the Clintons and won the Democrat swarms’ banner to challenge the Republican apes for the Presidency.
The Republican apes are a peculiar breed. Their candidates don’t promise redistribution of ape wealth. Instead, they promise ape freedom, insisting that individual apes – with natural intellect and acquired skill – acting in their own interest will create the best result for apes in general. (In a quinquennial of observation, this is the closest the apes came to advanced thought. Further study of Democrat presidents does show a strong trend away from freedom and toward state control. But a study of Republican governance shows the same trend. In fact, the trend toward statism is sometimes stronger among the Republican apes. Amidst the breadth of observed ape political behavior, this mote of clear thinking could be viewed as inadvertant and coincidental.) Also, the Republican apes don’t swarm like the Democrats. They establish their loyalties to candidate apes early and gradually abandon them as they run out of money. Once this happens, some Republicans will choose another ape. Others (the Ron Paul apes, most significantly) will abandon their interest in the race entirely.
The Republican apes chose McCain, a veteran of one of the great ape wars, to face the Democrats. (As evidence will prove, the Republicans trust and revere an ape newspaper called “The New York Times.” Republicans eventually nominate whomever this paper suggests is the most electable.) And the McCain ape lost without putting up much of a fight. The Obama/Biden team won by nine million ape votes.
Explanatory note: To grasp what follows, the isolation and remoteness of Earth must be understood. The planet is still classified as Unvisited. Earth’s most advanced society is at Baseline 4 in Phase I of Duptharq’s esteemed “Benchmarks of Early Civilization.” Nearly all of the planet’s leaders seek to solve micro problems with macro solutions. Only one Earthen species has the capacity for fourth dimensional thought, and that species invented radio communication just 3.278 IGT days ago. Earth is hundreds of lightyears away from the nearest Realm member-planet. They’ve just discovered winged flight. There is no common language. Their best physicians are still fighting disease with blades and handtools. Localist factions threaten each other with nuclear fission. They’re largely illiterate, arrogant, aggressive, status-obsessed, myopic, superstitious nativists with a penchant for controlling others. To encapsulate Earth’s primitive condition in one sentence: Many of their intellectuals are athiests.
After ascending to the Presidency during a fiscal crisis, the Obama ape focused nearly all of his energy on passing a law that would give government sweeping new controls over ape health. Millions protested in cities across the nation-state. The proposed law was immensely unpopular among both Democrat and Republican apes. Nevertheless, a unilateral Democrat vote made “Obamacare” the law of the land. Less than a year later, the Democrat apes bore the consequences for their unilateralism.
The 2010 elections were a massive denunciation the Obama and Democrat agenda. It was larger than the 2008 wave that swept Obama into power. Republicans filled legislative houses throughout the United States of America with candidates who promised to repeal the “Obamacare” law. It was the most massive defeat for the Democrat apes in three generations.
But the Republican apes couldn’t repeal Obamacare on their own. They needed a Republican president to fulfill their promises. They would have to wait two years for their shot at the Presidency.
Much of what happened in 2012 is beyond comprehension. The Republican apes nominated for President an ape named Romney. This Romney ape had previously endorsed and implemented Obamacare when he governed state Massachusetts. Moreover, Obamacare was modeled after Romney’s program. Then, of course, the Republicans lost.
Once again. In 2010, the Republican apes promised to repeal Obamacare. They won. They won in a landslide, were elected in historic numbers. In 2012, the Republican nominated an ape who couldn’t campaign against Obamacare because he had endorsed and implemented Obamacare. And they lost.
But as confounding as nominating the Romney ape was, what happened after he lost to Obama is perhaps the most inexplicable and mystifying ape phenomena ever recorded, even among a species that once sacrificed virgins to induce a bountiful harvest.
After the Romney lost on election day, the Republican apes expressed surprise. No one couldn explain why Romney lost. In post-election analysis, the apes spoke about Romney’s campaign tactics. They spoke about the Democrats superior system of getting voters to the polls. They focused on changing demography and the various shades of ape skin color. On a nationally broadcast news outlet, a Noonan ape told a Gigot ape that the Republican apes needed to rethink their “tone.” Some even speculated that the Republican apes might never win again.
It was like 2010 never happened.
On election day, Obamacare was unpopular as ever. The whole country wanted it repealed – still do, in fact. But Romney’s nomination took Obamacare off the table. Repeal was not and could not be a Romney campaign centerpiece. Mitt’s occasional promise of waivers came off as weak sauce. When they nominated Romney, Republicans ceded their winning argument. They had four aces, and they folded.
How could people miss that? Why didn’t pundits understand? Was it a media conspiracy? Mass hysteria? Collective hypnosis? Or just apes being apes?
* * *